The bogtrotters arrived at Manchester airport using various modes of transport in dribs and drabs. Once everyone had arrived, the pile of kit was impressive - as a group, they were 30% over their baggage limit - were they being picked up by a 737 or by a transport plane?!

They were all surprised to see Jim, Sue, Ben and Abby at the airport - Jim, the clubs Neanderthal (due to looks and personality!) secretary - was supposed to be flying himself and his family to Gran Canaria by Teradactil! (Ug, Ug, Klubb 'im To Def!)

By 10:00PM, they were in the sky, Jim was panicking - he had never seen something fly without flapping its wings before!

The group had been were scattered throughout the plane (on purpose I think) so the flight was uneventfull. Genno and Simon were playing tricks on poor old Gareth:

Gareth (after 10 seconds delay and two bites while taste buds kicked in): Uhhh you *nasty persons* that's a bounty!

At 2:00am, the plane landed, and the Bogtrotters piled off. They picked up their luggage and went to find their bus. Unfortunately, there was only room for normal luggage and not 10 Bike Bags. After 30 mins, another bus driver agreed to take the bike bags and they were on their way to the Hotel Carolina in Puerto Rico.

The various groups piled off to their various rooms - Nigel, Genno, Simon and Gareth were in 1 apartment which turned out to be rather a squeeze and... there were only three beds! Genno and Simon were quick and got the beds in the bedroom; Nigel and Gareth fought over the sofabed - A compromise was made - Nigel had the cushions from the sofa, Gareth had the sofa (minus the cushions!).

At 4:30am driven by thirst (and the fact that the tap water was like dishwater) they paid a trip down to the town. Puerto Rico is built in a valley, the town is in the bottom, the hotels are up either side - hence the only way to the town is down 10,000 steps, and the only way back was up 10,000 steps - They were going to learn to hate those steps!

Eventually they found the town and got a drink from a bar. We were all dehydrated, and so had some water - all except Gareth who releived his thirst with a beer! Gareth was still talking about going Klubbin, until he was informed that they would be closed in half an hour. The town looked a tad grim... it wasn't till the next day that we discovered the 'tidy' bit. We assended the (many) steps and got some sleep.

We were all rudely awoken by a right *BlueAnchor* who closely resembled a Baboon!

"Oii, you lot, have to put your bikes together yet?" Said the Baboon

"Have we hell as like yer bloody Cave Man, bugger off we're still sleeping!" We all said

Eventually (and after several more visits by Captain Caveman), we had to get up... We descended down to the town to find somewhere to eat - the first place we found was 'The English Cafe!' so we had a greasy breakfast.

On the way back, we picked up our bikes (which had been delivered to another hotel) Genno did his Camel impression and lugged 35Lbs of bike bag up 10,000 steps, me and Gareth waited for a taxi!

We had absolutely no intention of doing any MTBing today so after having a look around the town, we went back to the hotel and spent the whole day lazing around by the pool drinking and eating in the sun. A welcome relief after the weather in the UK this 'Summer'!

Reps from the tour company popped by in the morning - talk about Motor Mouth - you've never heard ought like it! - definately the worst "welcome meeting" that I've ever attended!

One point to mentioned was Sue's newly bought Bikini! It was splendid! She has taken on rather spectacular proportions recentely and they just wouldn't stay put - which was a great treat for the rest of us! The term 'dead heat in a zepplin race' has some meaning here!

The bikes all made it through baggage control safely, and we re-assembled them - I have never seen a bike as well packaged as Gareths!

Gareth (the fat git) dived in the pool to show us his swimming prowess - unfortunely most of the water dived out! We were hoping that Gareth would demonstrate his bird pulling prowess later on... it is supposed to be legendary.

It started to get dark so it was time to get sorted and get some food. Gareth managed to turn the bog in our apartment into another swimming pool!

We must have walked around the town 10 times trying to find somewhere to eat - Jim's fault, everything was too expensive (£6 for starter, main meal and puddin - expensive??!) For a primate with such long arms he isn't half tight! It wouldn't have been too bad - looking around - but the touts were horrendious - they just wouldn't leave us in peace - the ard short fat bald bloke was on for nuttin em!

Eventually we found an 'eat as much as you like' Chinese which was a tad dodgy. Most of the food was cold so we sent Sue to complain - they must hate northern types...! - better choice required for tomorrow...

We finally found a use for the touts - they got us seated in a family pub (there were 4 sprogs in the group - 5 if you count me!). We stopped here for the duration as we couldn't be arsed top move. Jim did a deal with one of the Moroccan touts and returned with some £21 Oakley copies (He was *really* please with himself).

Once sufficient beer had been consumed we returned to the pool bar at the hotel to consume some more! and talk bollox to each other. Gareth was bladdered! He was white as a sheet and kept urging!

I waited a minuite and then went to check he was OK, I found him around the corner, dinner still intact on all fours climbing up the steps to the Puke-Pit!!! We got there eventually, and I left Gareth on the sofabed with a bucket nearby!

I returned and we had a laugh about the incident - we had plied him with lots of ale, and spiked his drinks with some disgusting champagne that we were given - cruel gits that we are.

We got kicked out of the bar and returned to our rooms, Gareth the dirty *stool* had half filled the bucket with puke! There was a good 1.5 ltrs in there - the bloke must be all stomach! To his credit, almost all of the puke was in the bucket. We got him up, and he crawled out onto the balcony, stuck his head in amoungst the plants and started giving it 'Ruuuuuutttthhhh' into the plants - he must have finally emptied his stomach! Me, Genno and Simon, were rolled up piddling ourselves! Ruuuuttttthhhhh - Who the hell is Ruth Gareth?!

I moved my (newly delivered!) bed into the already cramped bedroom, and we left him chucking away while we chuckled away to ourselves.

We were woke up by Brian at about 8:30am, we were supposed to be in half an hour. I got fed up with using Gareths puke bucket as a roundabout, it stank!

This sorted, we got our bikes sorted and then went to find the others. Jim started moaning about our late arrival and was told where to go by the contents of our room!

Todays ride was only going to be a short ride - it was too hot for anything else - we were used to yorkshire weather! We had obtained some maps, but they proved to be rather poor - they were inacurate and did not have enough detail. I had a GPS unit with me, which consistantly put us off the track we knew we were on - more due to map inaccuracies than anything else - least thats what I tried to convice the lads - they disagreed and informed me that it was sh1t.

We set off up to the top of the hill, and then found an off road access track where they were building new hotels. We took this track which later turned to single-track, and then rounded a cliff. Some parts of the track were rather dodgy with a massive drop to the left. This did not seem to worry the Cave Creature who ploughed on through it all.

We arrived at the end of the track and discovered that it didn't really go anywhere. We could see an interesting looking track across the valley, and decided to head for that - there was no easy way down. Jim was on for climbing (sorry swinging) down the cliff but we backtracked up the road and found a track down. A short stint on the coast road brought us into a small village, and from there, we eventually found a track up. This proved to be steep and technical, and hard work in the heat.

Old Fat-Puking-Bloke Gareth gave us plenty of chances to rest while we waited for him to catch up! To Gareths credit?, I don't think that I would have been riding if I had looked like he did last night! Jim introduced us to his arse while resting, the smelliest fart you have ever tasted! It lingered for ages - god knows what he had been eating!

Eventually, we hit a dead end. After GPS and map checks, we realised that the track we were on was not the one we thought we were on! We lugged our bikes across some open 'desert' past cacti and lizards (think of the wild west!) until we got on the track we should have been on. This track proved interesting, a descent down to sea-level via continuious switchbacks from about 2800ft. Jim and Gareth were riding like nutters, they got to the bottem well before the rest of us! The switchbacks proved to be 'interesting' especially when you start drifting towards a 1000ft drop!

Upon getting to the bottom, we headed for a small beach that was nearby. After refreshments and a bit of healthly letching at a rather splendid birds' tits, it was time for a dip to cool off. God knows what the onlookers must have thought as 7 Bogtrotters headed towards the drink in poofy bib-shorts - all we needed was leather caps for the complete mincer look!

Back on the bikes, and we headed back to the hotel on a coast path. We spent the afternoon drinking, eating and swimming by the pool - all in all, not a bad first excursion!

Night time again, and time for us to hit the town... Gareth informed us that he was Goin Klubbin - we requested he dispenced with his dinner on the way back to the Puke-Pit tonite!

On the way down, we came across a shop selling Oakleys: £20 for two pairs!!! Jim was rather peeved, but did his best not to show it (Only 1 person got klubbed! Ug!) We found an excellent resturant called Mama Pino's which - beleive it or not - was an Italian...! Gareth was a bit worried about this, as pasta would have been far too healthy - his worries were unfounded though - they sold steak and chips!

Following the meal Gareth, Jenno, Simon and me parted company with the family types (who reported that they were going back to the Pool-Bar) and went off to find some beer and some women. We ended up in a cocktail bar where we found both in abundance. Gareth switched to pullin' mode - I have never seen a fin so big! Unfortunately he also indulged in copious quantities of obvious letching which made all the girls run away ... If you know Gareth you will know why! Gareth finnished off the evening my throwing a pint all over the girls sat behind us which I am sure they enjoyed!

We proceeded (slowly) up the steps to the Pool-Bar which was by now closed so we consumed the contents of the fridge instead!

Gareth was unable to handle another night without a night club so after a bit of a sleep he drifted back to the town returning at about 4:30am virginity still intact.

Got up a bit earlier than the day before, which gave the cave dweller less to moan about. We set off on the road. Upon reaching the beach where we had swam the day before, we heading up through the village and up the track that we descended the day before. The climb turned out to be a bit of a git in the swealtering heat, but we were soon rewarded with a rest when the track dissapeared into nothingness. We were in a strange looking farm complex, with loads of odd looking plants around, Gareth was on for seeing if he could smoke them!

After numerious map checks, we were sure that we were where we were supposed to be, but for the life of us we couldn't see the track that was marked on the map, we proceeded on foot past a stagnent reserviour to see if we could see anything more but all we could see was huge cliffs, and a dried up river bed (no bloody track). The maps had been naff since the start and so we were starting to think that perhaps this track didn't exist. After a while, Genno shouldered his bike and headed up the dried up river bed, and we all followed suit. After maybe 1/4 mile of plodding over boulders, the eagle eyed Genno spotted a track that the rest of us would have missed.

We headed up this zig-zagged path bikes still shouldered zig after zag after zig. We stopped towards the top to wait for Gareth, and when he was within sight started lobbing small stones at him to speed the fat bugger up a bit! Upon his arrival, we set off for the top. The view from the top was excellent, it looked like we were in the middle of the Andes rather than 6 miles inland from a major tourist resort on a small island (see pics).

Next up was a rocky track on the flat to get to our route back down into Puerto Rico. We arrived at a 'village' consisting of a couple of huts that was on the edge of a valley, looking across the valley we could see the huge cliffs that are shown on the pics below. After a breif discussion with a couple of old Spanish geezers who seemed rather surprised that we had lugged out bikes up a cliff to get there! ('Mamma Meer' being their response!) We headed back down towards Puerto Rico on a long descent. We had couple of stops for Gareth to fix yet another puncture, and for me to re-attatch the disc breaks to my bike on the way down. We took a wrong turn, and were forced into more clibing before finding our way back to Puerto Rico.

The evening was spent around Puerto Rico getting P1ssed, but I cant exactly remember the details...

We got up late glad to leave the bikes in the hotel for the day. We caught the bus to Maspalmas and discovered that Motor Mouth 2 was our guide. She managed to alienate everyone with daft anti-german comments.

We arrived at Maspalmas Market where we spent a couple of hours shopping. Plenty of dodgy bargains to be had. Sue was an embarasment - she was bargaining so well that the traders were *paying her* to take the goods! We found out later that Tim found a bike shop just around the corner which the rest of us missed.

We left the Market and headed to the water park. We spent the afternoon lazing in the sun and playing around on the slides - A far cry of the previous days 'fun' lugging our bikes up a cliff!

Gareth and Jim were classic on the slides, racing each other down. No one could beat Gareth he seemed to have the technique sorted - Personally I think it was a case of Chipz-Meanz-Speed - the fat Git!

Claire, Kirsty and Sue joined in. Claire had a bit of the do on the slide while on a rubber ring. Someone crashed into her sending her right up the side of the tube!

Me, Genno and Simon left the water park mid afternoon and went in search of some decent maps and some bike bits. We failed on the map front, managing some sh1tty tourist maps. It took us ages to find the bike shop - and even then it was different one to the one Tim found. After making a purchace, we wondered the steets of Maspalmas trying in vain to get a Taxi. Eventually we succeeded and were on our way back to Purto Rico.

A quick change and we headed for town. Me, Gareth, Genno and Simon went back to Mama Pino's - This seemed to be the only decent grub in town. The others went to the Tex-Mex next door. Gareth provided much entertainment by refusing to eat some mashed potatoe bacause it was pink...

"Whats this?"  asked Gareth

"Mashed potatoe"  replied Antony

"No it's not - its pink"  said Gareth

"Its decoration Gareth"  said Simon

"I'm not eating that - Potatoe's are long, thin fried things"  said Gareth

<Pink potatoe is then removed from plate and deposited on tablecloth>

Mama Pino's had another attraction for us. They had ourside tables positoned on a bridge which allowed for subtle letching at girls on the street below. We didn't need to look far tonight - the girl on the next table was splendid - short silver dress - I can still recall it now! The Tex-Mex gang were informed about 'the bird in the silver dress' very loudly.

After food, the family types informed us that they were heading back, we stayed a while before heading back ourselves to sort out a ride for tomorrow. Unfortunately, when we arrived back there was no sign of the others. It turned out that the others had spent the evening getting very bladdered indeed in MGM's. We ended up sitting on our arses cause the maps were in Jims apartment...

The following day revealed that Brian, Jim (Ug) and Tim had got completely arse holed and had to help each other up the 10,000 steps to the hotel. Brian was reported to be 'especially bad' - but it did matter for him, he was chickening out on Thursdays Ride to spend the day on a boat.

Sounded tempting, that!

Got up (late) with no ride really planned (due to not having had access to the maps!) We set out on the road again for about 8 miles to get to Mogan and a track that we had spotted on the map.

The road snaked its way up the valley clinging to cliff edges, and we clinged to our bikes and slowly kept the pedals rotating. Genno and Tim sped off to race each other to the top (nutters). You can see the magnitude of the climb on the pics below. After maybe an hour, we left the tarmac for some dirt, and after another 30 mins, we were at the top.

A short rest, and then back on the bikes for a final short climb, and then a long, long descent on switchback tarmac on which we overtook several cars. At the bottem we detoured from our intended route to find a cafe for some food. Once refueled, we took to the road again, pausing to gaze across the valley at the (off road) descent that we should have taken (bloody maps again!). We discovered an off-road climb on our side of the valley that looked as if it was marked on the map, but this turned to nothing, and we were forced to rejoin the road again.

More switchbacks, and more overtaking of cars saw us back on the coast road again near Maspalmas, After another 30 mins riding, we were back at the hotel intact, but knackered and vowing never to become roadies. Tomnorrow we had decided to get further afield so we hired a van to take blokes and bikes to the centre of the Island.

What we did in the evening is a bit vauge. We went out together and ate at Mama Pino's (as this was the only decent grub on the island! I went back to the hotel afterwards to plan a route for the following day, the rest of the group got p1ssed in MGM's. Genno returned (p1ssed) and decided that he would try and trampoline on my bed - breaking it! Gareth went Kulbbin returning at about 4:30am.

We awoke early-ish and loaded up the transit with bikes and blokes. We then headed off towards the centre of the island. Jims driving was mad to say the least. The bloke drove like a nutter. He was looking 3 bends town the road (which was a steep mountain pass) and then driving as fast as possible with all tyres screaching. We were all going white! The van was tilting so much on the bends that you could have put your hand out the window and touched the tarmac! Around each bend, another noise could be heard - that of paint being scraped off a bike frame! Brian was one of the passengers up front and was sh1tting himself, asking the caveman to slow down in a high pitched (scared sh1tless) voice! There were several occasions when we thought we were going to leave the road heading for the valley at the bottem of the cliff to the left the wimpy barriers on the corners were no match for a speeding transit with 7 fat bastards inside! Finally, and much to everyones releif the road straightened out, and we came to a halt.... but... what was that smell??? We all got out of the van to kiss the tarmac and noticed ploomes of black smoke coming from the breaks on all four wheels!! Jim - you are an animal!

After allowing time for the breaks to cool, we set off again, a little more sedately through a village (with jim taking the offroad option, and then up another steep mountain pass to the start of our ride. We found our 'track' and discovered that some silly barstuard had tarmac'ed the ruddy thing! We carried on up the road to a layby and found another parking spot where we checked the map.

We found us a suitable route and unloaded the bikes each of us checking to make sure that the scratching noise had not come from our bike - Then - from Simon - ":Jim yer ignorant barstuard, look what you've done to my f'in bike!!". He was not a happy bloke and moaned about it for the rest of the day. We set off, lost the track (bloody maps) and returned back to the van before trying again on another route. This time we succeeded and were rewarded with another bloody climb. At the top of this, a long descent kept us grinning. Jim and fatboy (Gareth) were riding like nutters letting it slide towards 1000ft sheer drops on the bends and barely touching the breaks. Jim commented later that he was getting fearfull as the bike started to slide more, but he wasn't going to let Gareth get away "I'm not letting that fat git win!" and Gareth wasn't getting fearfull - I think he must dream that a nice plate of warm chips is waiting at the bottem of every hill!

Once at the bottem, there was only one way to go... we headed into a 2000ft climb, but at least it was off road this time. After numerious rests we arrived at the top, and headed south along some tarmac for some well eared food and drink in a cafe. After the cafe, a couple of miles on tarmac brought us back to the tranny van.

We decided not to return the route we came, driving those mountain passes was more than our nerves could handle with Jim at the wheel. He did manage to scare us once with a dodgy overtaking move when I encouraged him to get past some complete pussy who was driving along at 20MPH. Genno wasn't happy and voiced his concerns to the both of us! After a while, we reached Puerto-de-la-Cruz (the islands capital) and Jim forgot to slow down for a 90 degrees bend at the end of a dual carageway that said 'max speed 50KPH'... he managed it at 130 in the incredible screaching transit! The rest of the trip was uneventfull and we arrived back in Puerto Rico intact, but with shattered nerves.

This evenings entertainment consisted of me in a Sarong, a Curry and then getting pissed in MGM's. A standard club evening really! Chips together with lord and lady Armor went Klubbin, while the rest of us retired to the hotel bar.

Today was our final day, so we packed away the bikes before spending the day doing what one should do while on holiday - sunbathing! Most of the group went to a local water park, while three of us went to the beach. I heard reports from the other group that Gareth did in fact go back in time while on one of the water slides - that lad loves speed!

Once the sun died, we all congregated back at the hotel, and used the (single) shower set aside for guests who were leaving to clean up. We then headed down to the town for some food and beer. We finnished up in MGM's at about 12:30am, and decided that we had better way go back to the hotel to get our bus to the airport.

Yet again, we had hassles with the bus driver and the bike bags, but we were eventually on our way. The plane was late, but we were soon on our way back home. Genno spent most of the return trip in the bog expelling gas! We arrived at Manchester in the early hours and went our separate ways.

All In All, A Top Holiday, but if you are tempted to do the same go get some decent maps/guidebooks beforehand! We were using the military maps, which were fairly accurate, but were rather out of date with several unsurfaced tracks having become roads!