Arrived at hotel @ 3 PM, sat by pool, drank beer. I arrived at 19:30 and was just in time for some food. Lord and Ape departed for the town center while I got ready. I met them sometime later after having searched all the pubs in Mayrhofen for them. Mayrhofen was rather quiet, and full of old people! but we managed to find a top bar (Mo's) complete with a fit bar bird.

We started as we meant to go on (well actually Jim and brian just carried on like they had been). We got kicked out from Mo's at closing time and went in search of something to eat bit instead found another bar called 'Caspeno's'! Upon entry, we determined that this was no ordinary bar as there were pictures of trannies on the wall, so from now on this was known as the 'Tranny Bar'. It came complete with two top bar birds although one appeared to have an adams apple so we couldn't be sure. Many beers were drunk, and much swearing was done. Unfortunately, the bar birds were the only women in there!

Jim was absolutely arseholed before we left as were me and Brian if not to the same extent. We went back to the hotel to find it locked not surprising really, it was almost 3:00am! Jim and Brians' key was inside so Brian bangs on door and wakes up hotel staff. It wasn't this that was amusing, it was the way he calmly asked for the keys for room number 257 as if it was 3:00 in the afternoon! We had to remind Lord Armour that he was not in Preston, and that the hotel staff were not his servants!

Woke up at about 9am, me and Brian were OK (ish) but the ape was clunged and puking everywhere. Vet required. We got some breakfast, and watched Jim urge with every mouthful. Come 10:30am, it was time for a ride.

We picked route with un-rideable climb and so promptly shoved our bikes to the top. Jim was complaining and urging all the way to the top. Looking at the map, we decided that seeing as we didn't have any food!! (talk about bad planning!) we would have to return to Mayrhofen for lunch so off down a fireroad we sped. Lunch was top, and we were suffed and so a cable car to the top was in order. We went to the cable car station in center of town and were told 'sorry no bikes'... Bastards! The only cable car station that would take bikes would not be open till thursday... in other words time to climb. We then set off for ride down one side of the valley and back the other. Jim was still knackered and didn't stay with us for long... he went back to his cave. Me and Brian continued and found several tracks, ending up nowhere! We even saw a bloke with shorter shorts than me! It started raining so we returned to the hotel along a track that ran next to the railway line.

Upon getting back it was time for a swim, shower, food... and then back out on the Bier. We Started in the same pub as yesterday as this seemed to be the main place. A couple of lads from England joined us (one was a right tosser!) We introduced them to the tranny bar. We stayed long enough to see the tosser throw a beer everywhere and then went for a pizza. The pizza's were huge so we were glad that the place was full of flies that were helping us eat. The pizza bloke was moaning cause we didn't want any coffee! We turned in. Hotel still open so no need to wake hotel staff!

Got up, went for breakfast. Decided to circumvent bikes on cable cars ban by driving to the top. Loaded gear, drove up to 1800M, parked car, set off for ride. Spectators getting of cable cars must have found the fact that we had driven there rather amusing. We cycled up to cafe at 2100M, and had a top lunch. After lunch, more climbing through some areas that still had snow brought us to a descent which a bloke that we passed had said was good.

We took this track which descended for about 300 metres on switch back fireroad before finding our right turn into the tree's. What followed was some of the best singletrack that I have done (apart from Thursdays!). There were rocks, steps, drop offs, roots etc everything you need for big grins at the end. The ape tried to get past me on a particularly narrow section of track with elbows out and knuckles draging along the floor. I gave him some room by burying myself in the banking, but it wasn't enough and he rode off the edge of the track to land 8ft down upside down and still clipped in! He had caught hold of a tree during the fall, but it broke (fat bastard!)

Some fire road brought us to our next section of singletrack. One section looked dodgy, Jim said and I quote 'out of the way poofs, thats a piece of piss that is'. He then set off at it at 100MPH, got half way down and went flying over bars. Me and Brian looked at each other and said together 'piece of piss that!' before falling around laughing at the flailing ape. Eventually we decided that maybe we should help him. Brian put his first aid into action and after shaving off the fur, managed to plaster up the ape's hip. We carried on half riding half pushing to the end of the hill. After several more sections of track, we hit the main road at the bottem of the valley and cycled back to Mayrhofen.

I left my bike with the lads and got a ticket for cable car to pick up my car from the top. She seemed interested to know why I only wanted a single ticket. She asked how I was going to get down cause she could see no parasender etc. I infomed her that I was going to drive down in my car that I had left near the cable car station in the morning. She said 'Entschuldigung?' so I try 'Ich bin am heute Morgan mit dem Auto nach Penkenberg gefahren'... 'You know der Wagen!' After some time she handed over a single ticket! The lads were quietly chuckling in the back ground - it was the same bird who refused us tickets the day before. We got back, had dinner and did the usual pubs. I left early as I was knackered.

Brian had been trying to get a big ride on the schedule all week, and today he was to get his wish! After breakie as usual, we loaded up the bikes and headed towards Achensee which was about 25 miles north of Mayrhofen. The Aldi on the way provided us with some food. The ride started off in woods where we were able to seek out a few singletrack sections. We suffered from map checks galore at first and it seemed to take ages to get into the ride. We got a bit lost a one point as the track seemed to come to an end at a snow drift! We walked over the drift to find that the track did indeed carry on. Jim decided to demonstrate how deep the drift was. The pictures are below.

After some interesting singletrack sections, we hit the road again, and the start of a 4500ft continuious climb... The climb started on tarmac, with some splendid views of the alps... We eventually found our track and began winding our way up the valley. Looking at the map, me and Brian saw that we still had 3500 ft to climb... we decided not to tell Jim as he was already complaining about the climbing and his injury of the day before.

After another 2000ft, the trail got too steep to ride, and so it was push and carry time. After another 1000ft, we were wading through snow! Eventually we arrived at the top of the track. The photo's are below. By now it was getting a little late, and we had to find a way down. Locating trails in the snow is a bit tricky but Jim said he found it.... only it wasn't a track, it was more like a cliff! Down the cliff we went...

The track to the bottom was switch back singletrack over some large rocks with big drops should you come off - brown shammy time... Unfortunately, a 10 meter 'strip' of snow ran from the top of the valley to the bottom crossing our path many times. It was a bit dodgy as if you slipped, then there was nothing to stop you untill you hit the rocks at the bottem! We sent Jim first as he was by far the heaviest and could make decent paw prints for me and Brian to follow. Eventually we got onto flatter ground though everything was still white. Brian gave the snow riding a go and proved that it could be ridden so our progress quickened somewhat.

Eventually, the snow disappeared and we were rewarded with a couple of sections on grass track which proved to be good fun. The final mile was on road and I think we were all glad to see the car!

Back to Mayrhofen we went... we were too late for dinner in the restaurant, but managed to get them to knock us up some grub for free. After lunch it was shower and beer time again and we went to the usual establishments... tomorrow was our day off so no excuse for not drinking loads.

We arose late, and had a late breafast. The married types went present shopping while I 'entertained' myself in my room. We met at about lunch time for a Pasta meal before going back to the hotel and lazing around in the sun with the wrinkly old women that were frequenting the hotel. We decided that we were going to go and try and find some action (and young women) in Munich for the evening, so a rushed wash and dinner followed.

Munich is about 80 miles from Mayrhofen, and it should have taken us about 1.5 hours. Unfortunately, as we neared Munich, we hit the most almighty storm. Torrential rain, high winds, fork lightning... you name it we had it! If you drove at more than 20 you couldn't see where the hell you were going. Nearing Munich, I had to remember where the hell I lived as we were dossing there for the evening. It took a while, required 3 people and an A to Z. A bloke on a motorbike provided us with much entertainment... everytime the lights went red, he used the pavements instead!

We got to my house, dumped our stuff and got a tram to the nearest underground. We got a train... but it stopped in the middle of a tunnel and the driver said that it was closed. Turns out that that was normal... but at this time I had only lived there for a week so I didn't know - got abuse from the lads anyway! Another train, and by midnight (yes midnight!) we were in the city centre ready to drink some hard earned beers..... only everything was closed and I didn't know the city well enough to know where would be open. The evening was looking like it might turn into a bit of a disaster! We found a couple of lads and asked them where to go for lots of beer. 'Party Zone at Kunstpark Ost come with us' was the reply. We followed our new found guides to the station at Marienplatz where we waited for the rest of their party (2 birds) to arrive. One of the blokes was called Romeo and I cant remember the other blokes name, they were both Croatian. They asked our names, but couldn't pronounce mine so I was to be known as 'Mr Spok' for the evening. A load of drunken lads joined us and started talking about football. One asked where we were from Jim said 'from Lancaster near...' I thought 'don't say it...' but he did '...Manchester'. This was the week following the defeat of Bayern Munich by Manchester United with the infamous 2 goals in extra time 'win'. We were then treated to the anthem for Bayern sung by a group of drunk Itals, Germans and Croats!

Eventually the birds that we were waiting for turned up, and we were on the S-Bahn to Ostbahnoff. Unfortuntely 2 stations later, the train stopped in the middle of the tunnel and the driver told us it was Kaput! (This was not looking good!) Eventually we got to Ostbahnoff (East station) and found Kunstpark Ost (Kunst means Art but we were glad to see that the only artists were piss artists!).

Through the doors we went parting with 20 marks (6 quid each). as we went. Kunstpark is an old potato factory, that has been turn into a fun park. It has several night clubs and bars, a swimming pool, wave machine, casino, lapdancing bar, and christ knows what else. Only the section containing the bars the clubs, bars and lapdancing was still open as by now it was 1:00am. Tonight being 'Party Zone' meant paying one fee and getting access to all the bars (7!) and clubs (6!) etc inside included (unfortunately, the lap dancing was extra!). Our new found friends and guides were a good laugh, and one of the girls (Karol) had a *HUGE* set of tits! We found a bar and ordered the local which was called 'Desperado' - beer laced with Tequilla - top! The place was full of top totty so plenty of letching was done... we had to pick Jim's eyes up off the floor.

After a couple of laps of the area to survey the birds, we all followed Romeo into a club called Babylon that we were assured was the best one. Inside we found 2 large rooms, one playing rave and the other standard stuff. We joined in with the standard stuff, and comsumed more beer. Karol showed us her party piece which consisted of bouncing up and down after having pulled her top away from her body to allow for the full travel of her tits - we were impressed! The other girl was rather fit, but seemed very quiet... having said that most people were 'quiet' compared to Karol. Karol saw fit to redesign my image by messing up my hair and trying to decorate it by adding straws!

At about 4:30am, me and Jim went searching for brian who we had dissapeared off to the bogs sometime ago. We failed and decided to give the lapdancing bar a go. (It turned out later that he fell asleep on the bog!!). We were had some trouble getting in as I was apparently too scruffy (cheers Karol!). The ape did some bargaining with the bouncers and I tidied up and we got in. We paid 20 marks again, and got 2 'dollars' to tuck in the dancers thongs! The birds were top quality. I have since learnt that most of them are students from Munich Uni! Personal dances were all the rage... give one of the girls 20 marks and she will throw a sheet over the both of you and rub her crotch up and down your cock! Jim disappeared under a sheet while I watched some top totty who dancing around a pole in the corner off the main floor - very arty! Jim reappeared with a big smile!

The 'catwalk' was the main area where the girls were dancing, and Jim was lying on his back on the catwalk with a 'dollar' in his mouth. I was quite content to tuck it in her thong and watch! Eventually, it was time to leave, and we went outside to find daylight! It was about 7:00am!

We hunted around for Brian, finding him asleep in the gutter outside the club and then decided to foot it to get back to my flat as we thought it would sober us up... Unfortunately, I was not sure of the exact route and it took us ages. We passed a couple of cafes on the way - Jim was gagging for food, but had to starve as me and Brian voted in favour of sleep.

We awoke later the same morning dying of thirst... After getting heads back in order, we popped across the road for a much needed coffee (or three) before departing for Mayrhofen. The trip back took a while due to the traffic. We had lunch in a top quality service station surrounded by mountains.

Upon arriving back, it was straight out on the bikes... but not for anything too strenuous! We drove to the cable car station that took bikes (which was now open), and got the cable car up to the start of the descent (this is what MTBing is all about!). We wasted no time and got straight into the descent which proved to be single track all the way and *really* technical. Excellent! Cheers Brian! (Lord Armer was our route planner)

Me and Jim set off seeing what was unrideable and trying to ride it anyway (Brian got off and pushed like we should have done!). Basically the track was continuous switchbacks, occasionally crossing the main fireroad off the mountain. Jim had a go at riding a particularly tricky section, failed and went rolling down the bank again! The switchbacks were amusing, very tight, with a drainage ditch on the exit just to add that bit of extra fun! Going straight on upon reaching a switchback was not a healthy option as there was a 1000 ft drop!

We got to the most technical section of track... and guess what...? yep, spectators! What's a Bogtrotter to do? push? ner we cleaned it including a rock drop off positioned by some joker right on a switchback! One of the spectators said 'ausgezeichnet!' which is 'Excellent!' We paused to wait for Brian (who walked) and decided that what we had just done was bloody stupid! but a buzz! The track carried on back to the cable car station where we found the car - along with some bloke inspecting it. Apparently someone had hit it, and driven off, but there didn't appear to be any damage.

We departed for the hotel, shit, shower, shave (SSS) and food, and we were back out on the piss again. Tonights entertainment consisted of chatting about the previous nights bad behaviour, and todays ride. I was not drinking well (for a change!), and was supplied a beer in a ladies glass by the bar bird. I left the lads to it and went and got some sleep.

Awoke (late) had breakfast (late) and then decided that we had better plan a ride. Unfortunately, Brian was feeling fit, and had been studying the maps all morning - me and Jim were worried! After having some food, and some ice cream sundes :-) for lunch, we set off following Brian. Brian explained to us that there was a bit of a climb to start with - it turned out to be alot of a climb. We got to the top, and then descended to the cable car station on part of the track that we had done the day before. This proved to be more tricky as it had rained, roots+rain = trouble. Didn't stop the cave dweller from flying down the hill though. We got to the cable car station to find that it was closed... buggers. Brian was on for ridng the 1500 metres to the top, me and Jim were not!

Looking at the map, we found another stretch of single track which disappeared down a ravine behind the cable car station. This was technical stuff again, and a good challenge to ride. Unfortunately, it was over all too soon (our last ride too) and we were back track and tarmac to the hotel.

Jim and Brian packed their bikes, we did the SSS again, and then had some food in the hotel before hitting the bars again! We got our photograph taken with top bar bird (Anja) - we have since sent her a copy of this for the wall of the bar (I returned recentely, but out pic is knowwhere to be seen!! :-( – We drunk well at mo's, and then headed off to the English pub! Basically a bar decked out to look like a grotty east end pub. On the way there the 'Tripple Belch' (tm) occurred, Jim, Brian and me all belched very loudly in sync with one-another!

The girl that served us in the English pub turned out to be from London. I get the impression that we offended her as she turned up to deliver our drinks just as the conversation had drifted towards wanking!! Later on got chatting to a group of 3 female snowboarders. Jim disappeared into the corner with one of the girls and tried to persuade her to come back to his cave (he failed). Me and Brian got chatting to the other one who was a most amusing character! Jim congratulated me later on for having pulled what looked like the only lesbian snowboarder in Mayrhofen. The remaining one must have lost her tongue as she didn't say a word all night.

I asked the lesbian snowboarder whether she thought that Jim looked like a Pavian (baboon) she said that she thought he had a striking resemblance to a Pavian, and added that he was a Bavarian Baboon. When asked to explain the 'Bavarian' comment, she said that he was fat! So there you go Jim a complete stranger reckons you look like a (fat) ape too!

After drinking our fill, we headed back to the hotel. We had a days skiing ahead of us tomorrow

Breafkast as usual, and then we were in the car heading off the the Glacier at Hintertux. We parted with 400 shillings, and then took two cable cars up to where the snow started. Ski hire was next, and then straight onto a chair lift. Jim had not skied for 12 years and me not for 15 years so it was going to be fun.

Once on the snow, Jim proved that Apes never forget by hitting the snow like he had never left it while I struggled to get back up off my arse again! We had a couple of go's on a blue, and then Jim and Brian left me to practice while they did some reds. After a few runs, I was getting better and joined them for some more difficult stuff.

By 4:30PM, we were knackered, and it was time to leave. We headed back down, and collected our stuff, I then headed back to Munich, while the lads got their bus to the airport. We were all suffering from having been skiing in the middle of the summer with no sun protection. The following day, we all had the worse sunburn ever!